Song Mood - Tchaikovsky - 1812 Overture
He who controls the past, commands the future. He who commands the future, conquers the past.
Here's to a cliched beginning.
I bet it's happened to you before- the realization that something Mom and Dad told you makes sense to you now- after you did the opposite of what they told you. You shouldn't play with matches or eat too many cookies or kiss girls when they don't want to be kissed. (To this day, I can only trust my mom as the exception to the latter) In this case, it's all those lectures about how your parents stressed not doing what they did times 100.
Now, my parents didn't tell me that quote above, but I thought that it would sort of capture the dilemma I'm feeling right now, a paradox of things.
I wonder if all the potential I've been given is going to waste because I'm repeating the same habits, the same behavior in the past that's gotten me into a lot of trouble. And with what I've been doing lately to fix it, I just can't seem to stick to anything consistent.
I'm conflicted with myself. I avoid the right chances and pursue the wrong chances, ending up with something I might be happy with on the outside (and to some degree, happy inside), but in reality I'm disappointed.
It's rough having good spirits one day, and getting bad ones on the next. I don't show it, because I'm used to the ups and downs of life. It's certainly made me a better listener (and in turn, a better friend) knowing about struggles.
But these challenges eat away at me, because I know there's so much I want to achieve. I know I can express myself in so many avenues - music, words, dance, athletics, leadership. I have good retention, a photographic memory. I can list all of my strengths, but it's those weaknesses that hinder me from pushing into the person I aspire to become.
I always believe in redemption, that you can always find a way to overcome your ills to become a success, big or small. I try to find ways to make my future better, so that I can avoid my past failures, but then I find myself short because of my past. So what do I do?
I think this is a bad position to be in- it seems to be a sign that I may not know where I want to go. I better find out quickly. I want to conquer the past.
Friday, November 12, 2004
Thursday, November 11, 2004
Catching Up with Old Age and Youth
Well, nothing like a few private posts to get your head straight, to express some of your angry, spiteful thoughts. I don't think I come off as one of those types (even on the basketball court), and for the most part, people understand where I'm coming from. I'm sure I'd be a lot more careful if I were writing for the LA Times or something like that, where you're just automatically judged, and the audience has higher expectations.
With first semester ready to go by, I've definitely found ways to enjoy my senior year that I didn't see possible or reasonable during years 1-3, partly because the experiences that I had in the past taught me a lot about myself, building my confidence and such. I think most people who are or have been in my position can empathize with my feelings, so I'll consult with them to see if they can allay my fears.
Having looked at life ever so closely in retrospect to my past 3 years, I find myself feeling old. Of course, it's only relative. I still have all my teeth, for instance. But I find that my time as an undergrad is running short, and while I ought to spend it on doing things that I can still do here because I'm a college student (partying, dancing the night away, laughing at my drunk friends), I find myself wanting to do other things that will benefit me after I graduate (aside from studying): creating a retirement account, filing my taxes for the first time, getting info about predentistry...and of course, relishing in every thing that I can do only in Indiana- Little 50, road trips to Purdue, Illinois, Ohio State, Michigan, etc., hitting up Nick's a few times, Dillman Farms, Lake Monroe, eating Tenderloins and gulping down Steak n Shake milkshakes.
I also feel old in the sense that I'm slowly finding things I'm no longer interested in, or at least I have a lot less interest in them. One of the positives is that I'm lot more relaxed with my committments, and that I don't have to worry as much as I did, because I know I did my best with seeing them grow and improve because of me, and because of those I influenced.
A new class of cronies has replaced me, and I'm observing and taking in their individual traits, while cringing at the fact that they do a whole lot of the same crazy s#!t I did when I was at that same point. I still manage to see them objectively, as people I can be happy to assist with in any way possible, while finding time to grow because of what I learn from these people.
So as I continue to actively interact with my underclassmen, there's still much of me that is still young. The romantic in me still exists, waiting for that right moment, where I can express my feelings in a manner that excites the heart of another person. I remain patient, knowing that what will happen will happen in due time, and that I have been (and will always remain) someone who is capable of pursuing and learning the nuances of a relationship.
My faith has stayed steadfast- my Sunday School education has continued to guide me, and I thank God for not letting me wallow in my suffering and shortcomings, and for His son, whom I acknowledge as the Redeemer for my sinful nature. I have truly benefited from trying to live my life as I see right, following the Bible whenever applicable, and not giving a damn as to whether people will see me as less of a man because I may not do what society seems to be favoring. On the contrary, I am more of a man, because I see my masculinity as something to be valued, not tested.
Well, while I can spend the rest of my life examining myself and being introspective, it's always the desire to be right in the now, and right now, I need me some sleep. Time to dream about running races and hitting home runs and kissing many women.
With first semester ready to go by, I've definitely found ways to enjoy my senior year that I didn't see possible or reasonable during years 1-3, partly because the experiences that I had in the past taught me a lot about myself, building my confidence and such. I think most people who are or have been in my position can empathize with my feelings, so I'll consult with them to see if they can allay my fears.
Having looked at life ever so closely in retrospect to my past 3 years, I find myself feeling old. Of course, it's only relative. I still have all my teeth, for instance. But I find that my time as an undergrad is running short, and while I ought to spend it on doing things that I can still do here because I'm a college student (partying, dancing the night away, laughing at my drunk friends), I find myself wanting to do other things that will benefit me after I graduate (aside from studying): creating a retirement account, filing my taxes for the first time, getting info about predentistry...and of course, relishing in every thing that I can do only in Indiana- Little 50, road trips to Purdue, Illinois, Ohio State, Michigan, etc., hitting up Nick's a few times, Dillman Farms, Lake Monroe, eating Tenderloins and gulping down Steak n Shake milkshakes.
I also feel old in the sense that I'm slowly finding things I'm no longer interested in, or at least I have a lot less interest in them. One of the positives is that I'm lot more relaxed with my committments, and that I don't have to worry as much as I did, because I know I did my best with seeing them grow and improve because of me, and because of those I influenced.
A new class of cronies has replaced me, and I'm observing and taking in their individual traits, while cringing at the fact that they do a whole lot of the same crazy s#!t I did when I was at that same point. I still manage to see them objectively, as people I can be happy to assist with in any way possible, while finding time to grow because of what I learn from these people.
So as I continue to actively interact with my underclassmen, there's still much of me that is still young. The romantic in me still exists, waiting for that right moment, where I can express my feelings in a manner that excites the heart of another person. I remain patient, knowing that what will happen will happen in due time, and that I have been (and will always remain) someone who is capable of pursuing and learning the nuances of a relationship.
My faith has stayed steadfast- my Sunday School education has continued to guide me, and I thank God for not letting me wallow in my suffering and shortcomings, and for His son, whom I acknowledge as the Redeemer for my sinful nature. I have truly benefited from trying to live my life as I see right, following the Bible whenever applicable, and not giving a damn as to whether people will see me as less of a man because I may not do what society seems to be favoring. On the contrary, I am more of a man, because I see my masculinity as something to be valued, not tested.
Well, while I can spend the rest of my life examining myself and being introspective, it's always the desire to be right in the now, and right now, I need me some sleep. Time to dream about running races and hitting home runs and kissing many women.
Monday, November 01, 2004
The Homecoming Post
The memories of Homecoming 2004 at IU are going to be part of the greatest moments of my life. I've really enjoyed every bit of the weekend.
Throughout the whole thing, from the interviews to being on the football field at halftime of the homecoming game (IU won!), I never felt nervous. I was just focused on enjoying the moment, thanking all those who made this possible and really recognizing the accomplishments of the other members of the Court- a Wells Scholar, presidents of organizations, editors of literary magazines, musicians, a representative of Young Life- individuals who were just as driven as me to follow their dreams and to change all that's around them with their mere presence.
I'm going to look back at this time and realize how lucky I am to have been part of something so blissful and satisfying. Though I'll probably be worrying about the real life I'm about to face again, I can say that I've seen a piece of life from the perspective of the social elite, and although I enjoy every little morsel of it, I know that I can live without having to feel it again. It is past me; I could live without being known by the whole world and I walk on, my eyes focused on other things more endearing and more lasting.
So to recap the events of homecoming:
The Parade: An absolute thrill. I rode in a Jeep with Sarah, and we tossed Tootsie Rolls to the little kids anticipating an early Halloween treat. We heard alumni and students and faculty cheering and yelling and clapping, and we cheered and yelled and clapped back to them. I took pictures of the well-wishers, who eagerly watched all the floats pass by, from the Shriners to the Equestrian Club to the various cultural organizations.
As we went down 3rd Street, past the fraternities and sororities on our left, we saw brothers and sisters cheering and clapping for us. It was satisfying; the Greek population that I've been so opposed to for so long seemed sincere in their recognition, and even if the President of the Panhellenic Council was standing right next to me, I knew that I could look at each one of them straight in the eye and say, "Ha, Hoosier Daddy now?"
Country music blared from Alison (our driver)'s radio, and we rode off into the sunset, turning onto Indiana Ave and getting off our float at the Pep Rally stage.
The Pep Rally: Quite mild. I was expecting more exuberance, particularly from the football players. I didn't feel as if the whole crowd was truly into the experience. A shame, considering what it means to come back home to your school, taking pride and stock at your memories and knowing that because you were there, the school was better, or at least you found yourself.
The winners were Walter Mitchell for Homecoming King, and Sarah King and Cassandra for Co-Queens. Yes, I didn't win, but I think this is an occasion where another of my favorite Bible verses come into play:
Every athlete in training submits to strict discipline, in order to be crowned with a wreath that with not last; but we do it for one that will last forever (1 Corinthians 9:25)
I love recognition. I think being the child of immigrants, you tend to savor every little comfort, every little victory that comes. After a while though, you see how it can pollute your views on life. You seek gratification in anything that results in you coming out with the advantage, so much so that you don't care about how much it affects other people. I think that's why it's so important to have your family to lean on, so that they can keep you on a good path, with a pure and loving heart. As I grow more disciplined in my actions, I am one step closer to a lasting goal- entrance through the doors of heaven.
So now I'm left with memories that will grow sweeter with each passing day, wondering if I did everything I wanted to do with this moment. I may have given my rose away, but did I get my fair share of the proverbial nectar, or did I keep the thorns?
Again, I must look back at some of the people who have made me who I am- when I realize that I have friends who have such character that they would not think of you any more or any less because you may get honored in one way or another. Friends who care for you so much that they don't want you to settle, but to achieve for a greater end.
I believe friends are the empowerers of the destined. Thank you all so much.
"I love you guys." - Gene Hackman in "Hoosiers"
Throughout the whole thing, from the interviews to being on the football field at halftime of the homecoming game (IU won!), I never felt nervous. I was just focused on enjoying the moment, thanking all those who made this possible and really recognizing the accomplishments of the other members of the Court- a Wells Scholar, presidents of organizations, editors of literary magazines, musicians, a representative of Young Life- individuals who were just as driven as me to follow their dreams and to change all that's around them with their mere presence.
I'm going to look back at this time and realize how lucky I am to have been part of something so blissful and satisfying. Though I'll probably be worrying about the real life I'm about to face again, I can say that I've seen a piece of life from the perspective of the social elite, and although I enjoy every little morsel of it, I know that I can live without having to feel it again. It is past me; I could live without being known by the whole world and I walk on, my eyes focused on other things more endearing and more lasting.
So to recap the events of homecoming:
The Parade: An absolute thrill. I rode in a Jeep with Sarah, and we tossed Tootsie Rolls to the little kids anticipating an early Halloween treat. We heard alumni and students and faculty cheering and yelling and clapping, and we cheered and yelled and clapped back to them. I took pictures of the well-wishers, who eagerly watched all the floats pass by, from the Shriners to the Equestrian Club to the various cultural organizations.
As we went down 3rd Street, past the fraternities and sororities on our left, we saw brothers and sisters cheering and clapping for us. It was satisfying; the Greek population that I've been so opposed to for so long seemed sincere in their recognition, and even if the President of the Panhellenic Council was standing right next to me, I knew that I could look at each one of them straight in the eye and say, "Ha, Hoosier Daddy now?"
Country music blared from Alison (our driver)'s radio, and we rode off into the sunset, turning onto Indiana Ave and getting off our float at the Pep Rally stage.
The Pep Rally: Quite mild. I was expecting more exuberance, particularly from the football players. I didn't feel as if the whole crowd was truly into the experience. A shame, considering what it means to come back home to your school, taking pride and stock at your memories and knowing that because you were there, the school was better, or at least you found yourself.
The winners were Walter Mitchell for Homecoming King, and Sarah King and Cassandra for Co-Queens. Yes, I didn't win, but I think this is an occasion where another of my favorite Bible verses come into play:
Every athlete in training submits to strict discipline, in order to be crowned with a wreath that with not last; but we do it for one that will last forever (1 Corinthians 9:25)
I love recognition. I think being the child of immigrants, you tend to savor every little comfort, every little victory that comes. After a while though, you see how it can pollute your views on life. You seek gratification in anything that results in you coming out with the advantage, so much so that you don't care about how much it affects other people. I think that's why it's so important to have your family to lean on, so that they can keep you on a good path, with a pure and loving heart. As I grow more disciplined in my actions, I am one step closer to a lasting goal- entrance through the doors of heaven.
So now I'm left with memories that will grow sweeter with each passing day, wondering if I did everything I wanted to do with this moment. I may have given my rose away, but did I get my fair share of the proverbial nectar, or did I keep the thorns?
Again, I must look back at some of the people who have made me who I am- when I realize that I have friends who have such character that they would not think of you any more or any less because you may get honored in one way or another. Friends who care for you so much that they don't want you to settle, but to achieve for a greater end.
I believe friends are the empowerers of the destined. Thank you all so much.
"I love you guys." - Gene Hackman in "Hoosiers"
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