Well, nothing like a few private posts to get your head straight, to express some of your angry, spiteful thoughts. I don't think I come off as one of those types (even on the basketball court), and for the most part, people understand where I'm coming from. I'm sure I'd be a lot more careful if I were writing for the LA Times or something like that, where you're just automatically judged, and the audience has higher expectations.
With first semester ready to go by, I've definitely found ways to enjoy my senior year that I didn't see possible or reasonable during years 1-3, partly because the experiences that I had in the past taught me a lot about myself, building my confidence and such. I think most people who are or have been in my position can empathize with my feelings, so I'll consult with them to see if they can allay my fears.
Having looked at life ever so closely in retrospect to my past 3 years, I find myself feeling old. Of course, it's only relative. I still have all my teeth, for instance. But I find that my time as an undergrad is running short, and while I ought to spend it on doing things that I can still do here because I'm a college student (partying, dancing the night away, laughing at my drunk friends), I find myself wanting to do other things that will benefit me after I graduate (aside from studying): creating a retirement account, filing my taxes for the first time, getting info about predentistry...and of course, relishing in every thing that I can do only in Indiana- Little 50, road trips to Purdue, Illinois, Ohio State, Michigan, etc., hitting up Nick's a few times, Dillman Farms, Lake Monroe, eating Tenderloins and gulping down Steak n Shake milkshakes.
I also feel old in the sense that I'm slowly finding things I'm no longer interested in, or at least I have a lot less interest in them. One of the positives is that I'm lot more relaxed with my committments, and that I don't have to worry as much as I did, because I know I did my best with seeing them grow and improve because of me, and because of those I influenced.
A new class of cronies has replaced me, and I'm observing and taking in their individual traits, while cringing at the fact that they do a whole lot of the same crazy s#!t I did when I was at that same point. I still manage to see them objectively, as people I can be happy to assist with in any way possible, while finding time to grow because of what I learn from these people.
So as I continue to actively interact with my underclassmen, there's still much of me that is still young. The romantic in me still exists, waiting for that right moment, where I can express my feelings in a manner that excites the heart of another person. I remain patient, knowing that what will happen will happen in due time, and that I have been (and will always remain) someone who is capable of pursuing and learning the nuances of a relationship.
My faith has stayed steadfast- my Sunday School education has continued to guide me, and I thank God for not letting me wallow in my suffering and shortcomings, and for His son, whom I acknowledge as the Redeemer for my sinful nature. I have truly benefited from trying to live my life as I see right, following the Bible whenever applicable, and not giving a damn as to whether people will see me as less of a man because I may not do what society seems to be favoring. On the contrary, I am more of a man, because I see my masculinity as something to be valued, not tested.
Well, while I can spend the rest of my life examining myself and being introspective, it's always the desire to be right in the now, and right now, I need me some sleep. Time to dream about running races and hitting home runs and kissing many women.
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