Grasping While Gasping

Song Mood - Tchaikovsky - 1812 Overture

He who controls the past, commands the future. He who commands the future, conquers the past.

Here's to a cliched beginning.

I bet it's happened to you before- the realization that something Mom and Dad told you makes sense to you now- after you did the opposite of what they told you. You shouldn't play with matches or eat too many cookies or kiss girls when they don't want to be kissed. (To this day, I can only trust my mom as the exception to the latter) In this case, it's all those lectures about how your parents stressed not doing what they did times 100.

Now, my parents didn't tell me that quote above, but I thought that it would sort of capture the dilemma I'm feeling right now, a paradox of things.

I wonder if all the potential I've been given is going to waste because I'm repeating the same habits, the same behavior in the past that's gotten me into a lot of trouble. And with what I've been doing lately to fix it, I just can't seem to stick to anything consistent.

I'm conflicted with myself. I avoid the right chances and pursue the wrong chances, ending up with something I might be happy with on the outside (and to some degree, happy inside), but in reality I'm disappointed.

It's rough having good spirits one day, and getting bad ones on the next. I don't show it, because I'm used to the ups and downs of life. It's certainly made me a better listener (and in turn, a better friend) knowing about struggles.

But these challenges eat away at me, because I know there's so much I want to achieve. I know I can express myself in so many avenues - music, words, dance, athletics, leadership. I have good retention, a photographic memory. I can list all of my strengths, but it's those weaknesses that hinder me from pushing into the person I aspire to become.

I always believe in redemption, that you can always find a way to overcome your ills to become a success, big or small. I try to find ways to make my future better, so that I can avoid my past failures, but then I find myself short because of my past. So what do I do?

I think this is a bad position to be in- it seems to be a sign that I may not know where I want to go. I better find out quickly. I want to conquer the past.