A Desire for the Willingness and Ability to Change

Blog Location: The House on Genesee

Song Mood - Brandy - Almost Doesn't Count

You know, maybe I should admit what I feel. Or maybe I shouldn't. Seems like when you write a journal, you want to be able to reveal everything...but not every thing.

I got a good point from a friend's blog today. If my thoughts were really that important, so much that I needed to write an essay everytime, somebody would have heard my thoughts already. I am not saying that there's no point to write what I write, but well, I guess there's times where you need to cut the fat and spare people the details.

As I have reached the ripe old age of 22, I've determined that there is no weakness for longing for somebody, or revealing what you feel about somebody or something. On the contrary, it seems like this is the perfect time to find your voice, to blare out what you feel, and to solidify your beliefs.

I notice a little bit of swagger inside of me. Somehow, I don't feel as reluctant as I was. I'm thinking that maybe I'm taking a big step in realizing that I have a little more strength and a little more confidence in myself than I thought. Finally, the advice I've been telling my friends is beginning to make sense to an important person: myself.

I find myself caring less about how people perceive me, and more about what I want to represent. I worked hard to be liked by a lot of people, and while I feel that I didn't sacrifice who I was as much as others did for that feeling of popularity, I realized that my heart was broken more times than I needed. The ones who are most important in my life were the ones I didn't show enough compassion for, and well, I'm regretting that.

When I think about how much I am loved by many people, and most importantly, my Lord and my Savior, I cannot help but feel thankful for being forgiven for all of my transgressions. Getting liked by a girl and getting accepted by a dental school don't seem to matter as much when I think in those perspectives.

It doesn't matter as much now when I find my jaw dropping after seeing a girl, or when I tell somebody what my personal beliefs are. I'm more willing and able to do some things that I thought I couldn't do. Like smiling and winking at a girl and waiting for her to turn her head away from me, and even if she doesn't, at least I can act as if my self-confidence isn't broken by it...because it isn't.

Whoa, I never thought I could say that when I entered college!

I'm thinking that some of the advice that I've received about falling in love applies to a different group of people that I'm probably not that attracted to. I mean, I'm obviously able to make a lasting impression on a lot of girls that I meet; for the most part, one that describes an insightful, driven, high energy individual who doesn't have to succumb to what other people think all the time. I might be able to stand for who God is while I'm at it too.

And maybe, just maybe, will I not be misunderstood or perceived as someone whom I'm not based on a few cursory things that I say. That would truly be perfection.

Perhaps my singleness will not change immediately, but you know, it'll come in time. What I feel will be revealed, piece by piece, layer by layer. I will stand on the fact that well, I don't have to be a wimp to people anymore. I just need to be a servant to God.